Friday, September 30, 2005

Bill, Britney, Britney, Bill

It seems unimaginable that anyone half in their mind in 2005 would open their mouth and let something out like, “…you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down.” And yet, this is what former Education Secretary William Bennett said, apparently flummoxed as to how this could have been misconstrued, since he went on to say that would be morally reprehensible “but the crime rate would go down.” Oh, good, I’m so glad he’ll be appalled if psycho world ever hits. “Bummer about those black babies… thank god we still have our 900” flat-screen TV to help us forget about it. Oh look, Amazing Race is on.”

“Bill, um, I dunno if you like, read the papers? Because if you did you might know that my stepchildren are black babies? And they’re totally not criminals? And even though I don’t vote, that bums me out so hard that you think that? Anyway I dunno if you’ve heard of it? But there’s this like, sort of religion? Called Kabbalah? And it’s all ancient or whatever? And it’s all about light? And it’s totally not in code or anything? And I think it could help you come into contact with your consciousness? Which you seem to be out of contact with cuz if you were you’d know that even thinking about killing black babies, like, isn’t very nice? Have you ever even seen a black baby, Bill, because they’re super cute, kind of just like, all other babies? And can grow up to be super fresh backup dancers or bodyguards who are totally my good friends who I talk about sex with on TV? Like I would with anyone? And if you’re not into reading so much you can still just like, wear this little red bracelet signifying that you’re all about the light? I like, totally know I’m not an expert or anything, Bill, but seriously, I think you are so kind of not about the light. I think you might even be about the dark, but that’s okay, because if you want? You can totally come with me and Kevin to the Kabbalah place.”

6 comments:

megan said...

Light or no light, William Bennett cannot come with Christopher and I ANYWHERE.

Angela said...

It's people like William Bennett that freak me out. I'd like to think he was on something when he said that, but I have a funny feeling, that's just him. And hey, you've got the britney-speak down pat.

DAM said...

He claims his words were taken out of context. Oh, the familiar cry of the quoted.

B said...

It's amazing what a lot of people in 2005 still say...including Britney talking about being a mother in the latest US WEEKLY issue:

"It's like, a lot of shitty work."

Good mom, sit. stay.

Betsy said...

DAM - That's why I put in the part that he claims justified his comment - that it would be terrible - but gosh darn it, it would work.
B - oy! Did she add, thank god for six nannies and a bodyguard?

jackie said...

This post reminds me of that part of the "Santaland Diaries" where Sedaris wrote about the girl applying for an elf job, and everything? she said? ended in a question mark?

Hee.

Oh yeah -- the black baby thing, not cool.