Me: I’d like to welcome to our show today new parents, Britney and Kevin Federline.
Britney Federline: Hi! I’m so excited to be here.
Kevin Federline: Uhh.
Me: First of all, congratulations on your new bundle of… Federline.
Britney Federline: Thank you! Isn’t he so cute?
Kevin Federline: Mmmh.
Me: He is cute. I’m not so sure about the bandanna/trucker cap thing, but… I like the fake stubble.
Britney Federline: Fake stubble? (looks at baby) Oh my god, no, that’s just dirt. (spits on fingers and wipes it off)
Me: So, I imagine you know that you guys share a wedding anniversary with us.
Britney Federline: No way! How did you know what day we were getting married?
Kevin Federline: Errgh. Yo.
Me: Um, actually we didn’t. I might ask you the same thing.
Britney Federline: What?
Kevin Federline: Arrguh. Yo!
Britney Federline: (to Kevin) No baby I told you you can’t smoke around the baby.
Kevin Federline: Mmpfh. Dang.
Me: Nevermind. Anyway, we got married the same day.
Britney Federline: Wow. Aren’t helicopters such a pain in the butt? I could tell right away we had a lot in common.
Me: Really? What else do you think we have in common?
Britney Federline: I heard you love to say “Kevin Federline.”
Me: That’s true! I do!
Britney Federline: Who wouldn’t?
Me: I don’t know!
Kevin Federline: Hehmmh.
Me: So Britney, have you read my books?
Britney Federline: Books. Books. (to Kevin) Baby, what’s that mean, books?
Kevin Federline: Ehhagh.
Britney Federline: Oh, you mean like Us and People and shit?
Me: Well, those are magazines. But in the sense that they’re made up of paper and… well not words so much. Something like that. A few more words.
Britney Federline: Are there pictures of you and your Mr. Federline in it?
Me: Not too many pictures, no.
Britney Federline: Too bad, ‘cuz you’re real pretty. I bet you and your Mr. Federline have almost as much hot sex as we do.
(Britney takes the gum out of her mouth and she and Kevin start making out.)
Me: I’d be happy to have my people give you some copies on the way out.
Britney Federline: Well, I don’t have so much time these days for… what’s the word I’m looking for…
Kevin Federline: Rrngh.
Britney Federline: Reading, right, thanks, baby. (starts making out with Kevin again) But that’d be great, I can get my people to…
Kevin Federline: Rrngh!
Britney Federline: Read them for me!
Me: I think it's time for a commercial.