Remain Calm, Everyone, Gwyneth and Apple are Fine

Flipping channels last night I came across The Insider, planning to skip it just as quickly as everything else that wasn’t on. The hostess was saying, “But first, today’s terrible terrorism tragedy in London – what celebrities were hurt?” I should have continued flipping immediately, I know, but I held on long enough for her to say, “Many American celebrities have been here doing theatre – Brooke Shields, Doogie Howser, Blah Di Bloo, and many were in attendance at this weekend’s Live 8 – Gwyneth Paltrow and her baby were there in chic casual to see her husband in that band, Brad Pitt was there sporting his new blond do but now he’s off to Africa to pick up “Angelina’s” new baby, Elizabeth Hurley – well, we’re not totally sure about her, but she’s not on the A-list right now, Madonna is still on tour in proper dresses promoting her children’s book and her kids were probably away with that director guy – why can’t I think of his name… thankfully, all remain unharmed. As it turns out, celebrities do not take the subway. It’s a little-known fact that celebrities are immune to most types of disaster, but if we do find a semi-famous model with a sprained wrist, you will be sure to hear about it here. Over and over again until she becomes famous for the being model who sprained her wrist in the terrorist attacks and probably saved some lives while doing it. Back to you, Pat.”