Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Don’t Do What I Did

I have concluded without a doubt that I missed my calling as an advice columnist. (AKA unlicensed therapist.) So I hereby invite you, dear readers, to write in as needed with your problems and I will solve them, 100% Unguaranteed. My column will called Dear Don’t Do What I Did. I look forward to helping you. No I’m totally serious. I’m going to keep this thread linked on the side so you won’t forget.


Teodoro Callate said...

Dear standby bert,

How? Why? I mean, please! Really. How?


NYWAF said...


Is there any way to look into the future and figure out if everything I'm doing is wrong?

Thanks very much, Obi Wannette.

Needing Your Wisdom And Fast

Betsy said...

Dear Teodoro,
I know you thought you might have stumped me with these questions, but you have not.
We do not struggle. This applies to all questions beginning with how, except for getting jars open.
You may not like the answer to this question, but after years of research, I have discovered that there is no single answer to any question beginning with why. People think there is, but there isn't. How then do we deal with this? We don't struggle.
I was expecting less, um, abstract questions, but as you see, I do have the answers.
But always remember:
Don't do what I did

Betsy said...

Not really, except for this: if you look into your past at the things you've already done wrong, chances are if you do them again, they will still be wrong, and you can, of course, always change the future by not doing those things again.
Unless you mean like, eating Snickers bars for breakfast instead of sprouts - then, at this point, there's no way to know. Because there are these people, the "them" you may have heard of, they change their minds all the time, and when you get to the future, just like in Sleeper - it will turn out that deep-fried Snickers have had unknown antioxidants all along.
And in a pinch always remember:
Don't do what I did

megan said...

Dear Standby Bert,

Should I get the next tattoo on my left arm in a visible place, or on my shoulder in a notso visible place? And is it okay if I say "ink" not because I'm all hipster or whatever but because I'm unsure if the word tattoo has two t's in it in the middle and I don't want to appear stupid, but I am too lazy to spellcheck this, so saying "ink" is the easy way out? And what font should I get this "ink" in, since I'm getting text, so I don't look like I belong in a gang?

Megan Stielstra

Betsy said...

Dear Megan,
I'm going to okay a tattoo in either place, since you already have one arm tattoo that's visible with a t-shirt, but long-term I would suggest staying away from doing a full arm sleeve, as they call it. You don't strike me as the sleeve type, and may not want to be an eighty year old with a droopy sleeve tattoo. I am also going to okay the use of the word "ink" just because it's so easy, even though it does lend itself to extreme hipsterness, but would suggest that in an academic setting, to alternate it with "tattoo" so they know what you're talking about. I will need to know the exact words before I suggest a font. Different words call for different fonts, and I have some experience with accidentally vaguely-gang related tattoos. Best to avoid looking like you're a Latin King when in fact you're a super white chick like me. With all due respect.
My pleasure always,

Free_Jim said...

Dear StandbyBert,

I'm here in the "boondocks" of southern Germany and it looks like rain for the next few days. Monday is my 54th birthday.

My last girlfriend turned out to have a serious drinking problem.

Any suggestions about what to do for my birthday?

Should I just forget about girlfriends for a while? Or should I keep on trying?


Betsy said...

Dear Jim,
This is an instance where you should definitely do what I did, which is to keep on trying until you meet the right one - but also try to relax until it does.
Happy Birthday! You should buy yourself Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides. And eat cake. Skip the candles until you turn 60.