Friday, May 27, 2005

Dear Tom

Tom Cruise, I think you are losing it. First, I saw you on Oprah jumping on and off her couches and then down onto one knee doing that thing people do with their fist when they win something. (Which is a move I don’t think is in style anymore, although I know you’re not about that.) It’s great that you’re in love, and really it’s great that you want to tell everyone about it. If I had the chance to go on Oprah and spend the whole show telling the world how much I love Ben while I plugged my new movie (I mean book), I would for sure do it. I might not jump on the furniture. But that’s just me.

Let me also say here, that I have enjoyed your work in several movies, including Magnolia and that sports movie where Renee Zellwegger completes you.

But when I saw you on Access Hollywood last night, I knew I had to say something to try to bring you back to your senses, because Tom, you are talking out of your butt with this whole medication/psychiatry thing. Listen, I have no real opinion on Scientology – if it floats your boat that is fan-friggin’-tastic. I’ve read here and there that some nice people have paid tens of thousands of dollars for what I’m not sure. My belief in god costs me nada, that’s all I’m saying. Anyway, I wouldn’t even mind your preaching Scientology – but when you get into an area that you just can’t back up with, let’s say, I dunno, a medical degree, or even, I dunno, an article? (by someone other than L. Ron), dude, it’s just not cool. I will go so far as to admit that in my personal layperson’s opinion (and perhaps if you’d just prefaced everything you’d said with a similar disclaimer, I might leave you alone altogether), I suspect prescription medications are often overprescribed for all kinds of physical and mental disorders. BUT. In millions of cases around the world these drugs are life-saving. People can not get out the door without them. Not to mention I also read that you said there is only one proven way to get off drugs? Period, you say? Oh really? Cuz I’m sure there are about eleventy-billion clean and sober people in 12-step programs who might disagree. And you, Tom Cruise, think you are the one to tell everyone that some vitamins and some sort of mind exercises are an alternative? On Access Hollywood? Tom, it’s so not cool, which brings me to my final point.

I think what you need, in my personal layperson’s opinion, is a simple reminder of your job description.
We are looking for: A great smile. The ability to radiate cool 24/7. The ability to solve impossible missions. The ability to dance in your underpants. The ability to mix drinks. Occasional need for willingness to modify hair to portray vampires, bad guys, or non-cool, unhandsome Oscar-winning-type real people. That’s it.

Kay?

8 comments:

B said...

very well put. and so true. oh oh so true.

Teodoro Callate said...

I like the number eleventy-billion.

kfoz said...

The problem is I don't even think he's convincing as a vacuous bartender. He's certainly not convincing as a straight actor who loves his children and his new girlfriend, who he acknowledges meeting for the first time at ...a meeting. That he called her for. How romantic. Yet, he seems to think that men go around proclaiming women "magnificent" as a measure of their heterosexuality. They don't. They do something else with them.

He had become very Jacksonesque, so removed from real life that he thinks he is successfully aping it. I want him removed, now. And put in a vault. At the celebrity center.

Now can we get back to Mojo?

kfoz said...

Hey....maybe there's a part for Mojo in Mission Impossible 3??? If that's the case, I take back everything I've said about Mr. Cruise.

Elizabeth Crane said...

Eleventy-billion is courtesy of Jackie who got it from fake Keanu Reeves on Celebrity Jeopardy.

I will take back everything I said as well if Mojo gets a part in MI3 and/or if he decides to buy a vanity project for Katie called All This Heavenly Glory.

Jackie said...

I was rooting for a Parker Posey (not Parker Posey type) for the Glory deal.

I'm not really jazzed about anything Cruise has done, except maybe Risky Business for the nostalgic value and Chicago references. Sorry. Thanks for straightening out his sorry behind.

kfoz said...

I guess there's no blogging here on holidays.

But I'd like everyone to know that I just woke from a nap that was, like Katie Holmes, magnificent.

Free_Jim said...

I don't know how to say it with the humor of Ms. Crane, but I dislike the "glory and honor" of Cruise's war movies (e.g. the Japanese sword-stabbing epic, and the shoot-em-up bang bang in the sky thing.)

Believe it or not. these things do have an effect on the choices and (largely unconscious) attidues our young men and (increasingly) women have towards putting their lives at risk.

Simply put- Cruise seems to be buying his own bullshit.

I consider myself fortunate to have been seduced by Phil Silvers' "rebelion among friends" in the motor-pool of the 1950's. I doubt that Silvers ever beleived his stuff.

and yes I did join the army and work in the motor pool. and yeah I am angy about anyone who influences young people to give their lives for a tankful of gas for someone else's SUV.

Sorry for the rant. Hope some kernal of my message comes through.