Dear Ben Folds,
Is it so great to be you? It must be so great to be you. If I were to interview you, that might be the only question I would ask. I would say, Ben Folds, is it so great to be you? And you, I imagine, would say, It is really really great and I would say Thank you very much, that was Ben Folds. I cannot imagine that when you’re at the keyboard, bangin’, that you don’t think, Wow, it is so totally fucking great to be me!
Listening to your music, what I think is so great about you, is that rather than wishing I were you (which is something I have been known to do, historically, having wished on occasion that I were, yes, Billy Joel, Fred Astaire, Shawn Colvin, Edward Gorey and David Foster Wallace, to name just a few who come to mind) I find myself, thinking, wow, it is totally fucking great to be me. Which is not at all mutually exclusive of thinking it must also be fucking great to be you. It’s just that for the first time, thinking along these lines, I also thought, you know, although it must be fucking great to be Ben Folds, since I am not Ben Folds, I am glad there is a Ben Folds to be Ben Folds, so that feel the indescribably full feelings I am made to feel when listening to Ben Folds.
I would like to say, however, Ben Folds, that if you ever need someone to sing Aaaah, or Bop-aah, that sort of thing, that I am qualified to do exactly that, in tune and in harmony, not just because I have sung along many times over to Carpenter and Partridge records in a similar fashion, but because I do have an actual musical resume, albeit a short one. Plus I would make a cute addition to your backup singers, and I am willing and available to travel starting immediately. I realize my current C.V. does not exactly qualify me for this position, but I think it would give you an extra cachet to have a short story writer in your backup band. I have been called both “literary darling” and “short story mastermind.” That could be cool, right? I only ask because although it is truly great to be me (my husband and I have a hammock), writing is a different kind of thrill than making music, not to get too esoteric, but although the process of writing can be immensely satisfying, as is the ability to connect with a reader, physically, well, it’s lacking. I don’t get to bang on my keyboard, and even if I did, kick-ass melodies wouldn’t come out. I’m just putting the offer out there.
Yours most sincerely with not even a little bit of irony in case that’s what you think because it is 100% for sure with all sincerity,