Voice over: Next, the most shocking rose ceremony ever…
Cut to clip of befuddled Bachelor.
Cut to: Twenty-five young women in cheap evening gowns.
Host: You have twenty-five lovely ladies here but only sixteen roses. Are you ready?
Bachelor: This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do.
Host steps away. Tense music plays.
Bachelor (looking down): Alisha, will you please accept this rose?
Alisha walks over.
Alisha: Um, I don’t know how to say this… I just don’t see this going anywhere.
Bachelor looks blank, but moves on.
Bachelor: Oh, of course, I totally understand.
Alisha walks away.
Bachelor: Jenni, will you please accept this rose?
Jenni walks over.
Jenni: I’m sorry, I can’t. I see us more as friends.
Bachelor looks blank again. Bachelor: Sure, sure. Candis, will you please accept this rose?
Candis walks over.
Candis: I’m not really feeling this.
Candis walks away.
Bachelor: Oh, okay then. Arnelle, will you please accept this rose?
Arnelle walks over.
Arnelle walks away.
Bachelor shakes his head in amazement.
Bachelor: Southern Arnelle will you please accept this rose?
Southern Arnelle walks over.
Southern Arnelle: No.
Southern Arnelle walks away. Host walks over.
Host: Well, this is a first in Bachelor history - you’re batting a thousand here slugger, but not in a good way. You want to keep going?
Bachelor: Yes, yes, I guess I should be surprised this hasn’t happened before.
Host: Alright, well then let’s move on.
Bachelor: Bettini, will you please accept this rose?
Bettini walks over. She shakes her head no and keeps walking.
Bachelor: Petunia, will you please accept this rose?
Petunia walks over. She gives him the hand and walks past.
Bachelor: Shamickney, will you please accept this rose?
Shamickney has already left.
The other girls shake their heads.
Bachelor: Shmemumnum, will you please accept this rose?
Shmemumnum walks away.
Bachelor: Shlmrmma, will you please accept this rose?
Shlmrmma: Sorry, man.
Shlmrmma walks away.
Bachelor: Blehblahblys, will you please accept this rose?
Blehblahblys: Not likely.
Blehblahblys walks away.
Host walks back over. Host: Do you even want to continue?
Bachelor (not convincing): No, I do, I do, it’s cool. Brlph, will you please accept this rose?
Brlph walks over and says No, whispers something in the bachelor’s ear, he brightens briefly.
Bachelor: Thanks, Brlph. Shondpoo, will you please accept this rose?
Shondpoo walks over.
Shondpoo (conflicted): Okay.
Bachelor hugs Shondpoo before she walks away.
Bachelor: Crmpgth, will you please accept this rose?
Crmpgth walks away.
Bachelor: Okay look, is there anyone else who actually wants a rose?
Plpnquich: I do.
Bachelor: Plpnquich will you please accept this rose?
Plpnquich: To be clear, I don’t really want to date you, I just like roses.
Bachelor: Here, I have some extras.
Bachelor picks up most of the rest of the roses.
Bachelor: Look, are any of you interested in dating me?
All remaining ladies shake their heads no.
Host walks over.
Alright, so at this point, any number of possible endings would satisfy me:
a) A truly awkward, terrible relationship week after week in the same format as the existing show.
Bachelor: Shondpoo, I didn’t have time to go pick out rings from the fancy store they’re advertising this season, since there were supposed to be ten more episodes before the last bachelorette was left, but: Will you marry me?
And then here, again, I would be delighted with either of these possibilities:
a) Shondpoo: Oh my god, yes, yes! Yes, I’ll marry you!
b) Bachelor: (Pulling out a ring from his pocket) Shondpoo, will you wear this ring to signify that we are continuing to date and see what happens?
Shondpoo: Oh my god, yes, yes!
c) Shondpoo: Let’s just forget it.
Cut to: The Bachelor, in a limousine, sobbing uncontrollably.
Bachelor: God, I don’t understand! I felt intimate connections with at least twelve of those women! What’s wrong with me? I’m so embarrassed!
Bachelor grabs bottle of booze from minibar.
Bachelor: Whatever! I’m the bomb, if they can’t see that it’s their problem. Just friends. As if. Pssh.
Bachelor starts crying again, waves his hand in front of his face and hides his head, doesn’t want to be seen anymore.