Sunday, April 09, 2006

Minority Wha?

My honey came home last night around six-thirty not feeling well and said he was going to take a nap which I correctly guessed meant he was going to bed which means that I was left to watch network TV last night (you know, cuz I couldn’t have like, read a book or anything) and what I watched was Minority Report which may have made the least sense to me of any movie I’ve ever seen. My synopsis: Okay so there’s Tom Cruise and he’s fifty years in the future, right, where they have ugly cars that go sideways and newspapers with changing headlines (um, we have that now? it’s called the internet?) and other stupid stuff but they still have the Gap only now it talks to you in your head, as if we don’t have enough troubles, and so Tom Cruise is a cop who works in the precrime department which catches murderers before they murder by way of three floating psychics who are hooked up to this computer on a giant window that sees into their minds, and who were like, abandoned children of drug addicts or something which explains their psychic abilities? And then when the psychics see the killer it spits out their name on a wooden ball for some reason that is supposedly explained but is beyond a stretch and so then but and the psychic floaters see Tom Cruise shooting some dude which causes a wooden ball to come out of the chute which says TOM CRUISE which is supposed to be spooky I guess and which causes Tom Cruise to go on the run because he has no plans to shoot some dude and he believes it to be a setup and so he goes to see Lois Smith in a creepy old garden of plants she’s cross-bred that are half-human or something and she tells him he needs to go get the minority report out of the floating psychic’s head but because of the worldwide eye scanning identification he can’t go anywhere until he gets an illegal eye replacement from a creepy doctor who he once sent to jail and so he has to carry around his old eyeballs in a plastic bag so he can get back into the precrime unit to go rescue Samantha Morton, the psychic floater who in my opinion has seriously wandered off some quiet indie tragedy and into the wrong movie, because she pretty much only has to look out into the world to show us her entire inner life which contrasts against Tom Cruise’s face which betrays no inner life whatsoever even though his whole purpose in life is avenging his dead kid. Then finally he figures out that this old dude who’s being all celebrated for inventing precrime and ending all murder invented it by murdering someone himself and then when that dude has to decide between going to jail (which in this future universe involves wearing an embroidered wrestling outfit inside of a tube for all eternity) or shooting Tom Cruise he chooses for some reason to shoot himself and then Tom Cruise gets back his ex-wife who left him because he looked like the dead kid and that’s the end oh except all the criminals in tubes get pardoned and let out of their tubes.

6 comments:

teo said...

Wow. Roger Ebert is nothing to me now. Nothing.

Betsy said...

Ha!

Darby M. Dixon III said...

Best synopsis ever.

Daniel Ridges said...

You left out Colin Farrell. I am sure he was in it; although, I can't, for the life of me, remember what he did.

Betsy, it was a great synopsis, I agree. You gave much more thought to it than it deserved.

Betsy said...

Thanks, Darby and Dan - you're right, how could I have forgotten Colin Farrell?

Daniel Ridges said...

I know. He singlehandedly keeps big tobacco in business.