Restaurants Should Not Have A Big Lighted Sign.

I just find this inherently suspect. Chain restaurants are one thing, but those fancy ones? That’s not right.

FiveChapters.com

Hey, I have a story on fivechapters.com this week called What Happens When the Mipods Leave Their Milieu. If you haven’t already checked out the site, it’s got serialized stories each week from some a pretty awesome variety of authors, and I’m psyched to be included!

Yo, New York People

So my story “Ad” from ALL THIS HEAVENLY GLORY is going to be read at Symphony Space next Wednesday the 14th, Valentine’s Day, if you don’t have a date or if you do! I read this story at a reading exactly one time, because it has only one period, at the end, and it was not at all easy to read, even for the author, plus parts of it are embarrassingly autobiographical to read oneself, and so all the way around, bringing in a professional actor was a very good idea, I think, and I’m pretty stoked about it. Plus, you know, it’s NPR and shit. Come if you can!
Selected Shorts

I'm Wearing Two Pairs of Long Johns Indoors Today and I'm Not Hot

And we have a dog who likes to go outside frequently with no pairs of long johns.
I don't think much more needs to be said.

The Part Where I Drive Away Anyone Who’s Still Reading This Blog

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Originally uploaded by MrsBrandt.

Nine Reasons Why My Dog Is Awesome

1. His muzzle is soft and spotted. You have to kiss it all the time.
2. His eyes when he’s asleep are squinty and so cute like he has to work at sleeping.
3. He gives hugs.
4. His coat is like, six different colors. His top and spots are mostly black, his chest is white, other parts are gray, and several shades of brown show up in various places and various lights.
5. He has, as Ben says, a little bit of a hairdo. His head and ears are soft and downy, the rest of his coat is soft but a little more coarse, but along his backbone, it’s thick and wavy, and kind of looks like he styled it that way.
6. The tip of his black tail is white and fluffy like a very well used paintbrush.
7. When he sleeps, sometimes he curls up into a little ball with his tail under his chin.
8. Sometimes he sits up in Ben’s armchair and looks like a man.
9. He loves to play with other dogs, but sometimes in a group he gets cornered by the other dogs at the park – but he always breaks away and when he does he leaves them in the dust because he’s always the fastest dog in the park! He reminds me of this great story by Dave Eggers in the voice of a dog and the first line is like, Hooooooooo!!!! Hoooooooo!!!! I’m a fast dog!

Welcome to the Family!

Ben and I have a new housemate! We seem to finally have named him Percy, and he seems to be answering to it. Percy is a Catahoula Leopard Dog. Here are some photos of him on his Dogster (who knew, myspace for dogs) page from when he was named Rasputin. He’s a bit bigger now, but until we upload some new pix, this will give you a good idea of how pretty he is. He’s super sweet and chill. Originally, I told Ben I wanted a dog who would only make “this much” poop. (Picture me holding small imaginary handful of poop.) Percy’s poops are considerably larger. Ben’s not much into poop either, but now that he’s changed our nephew’s poopy diapers several times, he seems to have made the adjustment. After a walk the other day, I told Ben, “You know, with two bags and a glove, you can almost not feel the poop at all.” And he said, “It’s okay. I just left my hand.” I put that in there for the three of you who will think it’s as funny as I did.
And yes, I did just become that person.

Dear Jessica Rhode From American Idol Season Six Who I Really Hope Will Google Herself So She Reads This Even Though Googling Yourself Isn’t Always a

I am so, so sorry about the way things went for you on your tryout in front of your former idol Jewel, who I hope is not your idol anymore. Listen, I am going to tell you what those people should have told you:
1) Whether or not Jewel thought you were good, she should have been flattered and told you so.
2) There are way better singer songwriters than Jewel, like Shawn Colvin and Patty Griffin and Jonatha Brooke and a million other people.
3) You have a fine voice. Ir probably wasn’t the best idea to sing Jewel’s song exactly like Jewel, in front of Jewel (you may not have known she’d be there?), nevertheless, you sang in tune and you’ve got a good enough ear to be able to imitate someone well, which is not easy to do.
4) So, with that in mind, what you need is lessons from someone who will teach you to sing like yourself and maybe even write songs.
5) Then go back and kick their asses in Season Seven and when they say “You’re going to Hollywood,” say to them, “Psych!” and get the hell out of there and go make your own music.

I Can’t Seem To Let Go

Yes, I am still alive and well. I am still aware of Britney and Kevin and Tom and Katie and who all else. I’d like to say I haven’t blogged because I have been so very, very, importantly busy, but there has been some obsessive holiday painting by numbers in among the important busyness. I just haven’t blogged much for a while, for this reason or that, but I haven’t been able to commit to not blogging, either.

What’s new is that we had a great holiday with every last member of our family in Iowa, we had a great (low-key, sushi-oriented) New Year’s with Hensley-type people here, and I got lots of awesome CDs for xmas among other things.

I have been wanting to mention this one thing, however, so as of today I am still a blogger.

There is a fucked-up game show that comes on channel 50 at noon that is so intolerable that I can’t stay tuned long enough to understand much of anything about it except that it is very bright and very shouty. I think it’s a game show. I’m not really sure. All I know is that I stop short of having seizures when I’m channel-surfing past it. If anyone out there has seen this program and cares to explain, have at it. Don’t try to defend it though. Shows of any kind that are too shouty lose me every time. Which includes all shows about lawyers. Turning down the volume doesn’t work. I know they’re shouting.

A New Lease, Sort Of

Man, sometimes it really doesn’t take much to make me so, so happy. Sunday Ben and I went over to Megan and Christopher’s to pick up a set of bookshelves they were getting rid of since they’re moving. It’s just one very tall, modest, six-shelf Ikea number. And yet, now my waist-high piles of books on the floor now have an alphabetized, organized place to live and be admired by me, possibly even read, since they can now be found, single layers deep only, fiction and non-fiction sections, reference, and “books that are too weirdly sized to fit in other places tidily,” and, just enough room to add more for at least a while. I feel like the world is new with possibilities! Or I would, if I hadn’t just seen An Inconvenient Truth, which isn’t meant to be but which is a bit bleak, and which should be mandatory viewing somehow, if movies could be made mandatory.

Ben’s Art!!!! See It!!!

My hunny’s beautiful painting is featured on the cover of latest issue of Other Voices, which includes stories by the excellent Roy Kesey and Emily Gray Tedrowe, as well as an interview with Dorothy Allison, so you should probably go order it right now especially if you live in Chicago since it’s so snowy and you’ll need something to read.