Monday, October 29, 2007

Crazy Something, Anyway

Ben and I watched this documentary last night about this couple in NY, Burt and Linda Pugach. The story in a nutshell is this: they met when she was about 22, they broke up because he was married, he was obsessed with her, threw acid in her face, partially blinding and disfiguring her, he went to jail for fourteen years and then they got married and they’ve been together for thirty years but apparently ten or so years back he pulled a similar stunt with another mistress.

So, um, I’m clear on the ‘crazy’, but not so much on the love.

Still, it’s interesting to think about. The question of love aside, they have chosen each other. Me, lye in the face would be a deal-breaker. Equally as fascinating is that almost all of Linda’s friends seemed to support her choice to go back to him. One of them said something like, ‘She was thirty-five.’

Anyway, all I’m clear on is that Burt and Linda Pugach have something, but if that’s love in any universe, I’m frightened for all of us.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The Bachelor of My Dreams

Voice over: Next, the most shocking rose ceremony ever…

Cut to clip of befuddled Bachelor.

Insert commercial.

Cut to: Twenty-five young women in cheap evening gowns.

Host: You have twenty-five lovely ladies here but only sixteen roses. Are you ready?

Bachelor: This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do.
Host steps away. Tense music plays.
Bachelor (looking down): Alisha, will you please accept this rose?
Alisha walks over.
Alisha: Um, I don’t know how to say this… I just don’t see this going anywhere.
Bachelor looks blank, but moves on.
Bachelor: Oh, of course, I totally understand.
Alisha walks away.
Bachelor: Jenni, will you please accept this rose?
Jenni walks over.
Jenni: I’m sorry, I can’t. I see us more as friends.
Bachelor looks blank again. Bachelor: Sure, sure. Candis, will you please accept this rose?
Candis walks over.
Candis: I’m not really feeling this.
Candis walks away.
Bachelor: Oh, okay then. Arnelle, will you please accept this rose?
Arnelle walks over.
Arnelle: No.
Arnelle walks away.
Bachelor shakes his head in amazement.
Bachelor: Southern Arnelle will you please accept this rose?
Southern Arnelle walks over.
Southern Arnelle: No.
Southern Arnelle walks away. Host walks over.
Host: Well, this is a first in Bachelor history - you’re batting a thousand here slugger, but not in a good way. You want to keep going?
Bachelor: Yes, yes, I guess I should be surprised this hasn’t happened before.
Host: Alright, well then let’s move on.
Bachelor: Bettini, will you please accept this rose?
Bettini walks over. She shakes her head no and keeps walking.
Bachelor: Petunia, will you please accept this rose?
Petunia walks over. She gives him the hand and walks past.
Bachelor: Shamickney, will you please accept this rose?
Shamickney has already left.
Bachelor: Shamickney?
The other girls shake their heads.
Bachelor: Shmemumnum, will you please accept this rose?
Shmemumnum: Joker.
Shmemumnum walks away.
Bachelor: Shlmrmma, will you please accept this rose?
Shlmrmma: Sorry, man.
Shlmrmma walks away.
Bachelor: Blehblahblys, will you please accept this rose?
Blehblahblys: Not likely.
Blehblahblys walks away.
Host walks back over. Host: Do you even want to continue?
Bachelor (not convincing): No, I do, I do, it’s cool. Brlph, will you please accept this rose?
Brlph walks over and says No, whispers something in the bachelor’s ear, he brightens briefly.
Bachelor: Thanks, Brlph. Shondpoo, will you please accept this rose?
Shondpoo walks over.
Shondpoo (conflicted): Okay.
Bachelor hugs Shondpoo before she walks away.
Bachelor: Crmpgth, will you please accept this rose?
Crmpgth: No.
Crmpgth walks away.
Bachelor: Okay look, is there anyone else who actually wants a rose?
Plpnquich: I do.
Bachelor: Plpnquich will you please accept this rose?
Plpnquich: To be clear, I don’t really want to date you, I just like roses.
Bachelor: Here, I have some extras.
Bachelor picks up most of the rest of the roses.
Bachelor: Look, are any of you interested in dating me?
All remaining ladies shake their heads no.
Host walks over.
Alright, so at this point, any number of possible endings would satisfy me:
a) A truly awkward, terrible relationship week after week in the same format as the existing show.
b) This:
Bachelor: Shondpoo, I didn’t have time to go pick out rings from the fancy store they’re advertising this season, since there were supposed to be ten more episodes before the last bachelorette was left, but: Will you marry me?
And then here, again, I would be delighted with either of these possibilities:
a) Shondpoo: Oh my god, yes, yes! Yes, I’ll marry you!
b) Bachelor: (Pulling out a ring from his pocket) Shondpoo, will you wear this ring to signify that we are continuing to date and see what happens?
Shondpoo: Oh my god, yes, yes!
c) Shondpoo: Let’s just forget it.

Cut to: The Bachelor, in a limousine, sobbing uncontrollably.
Bachelor: God, I don’t understand! I felt intimate connections with at least twelve of those women! What’s wrong with me? I’m so embarrassed!
Bachelor grabs bottle of booze from minibar.
Bachelor: Whatever! I’m the bomb, if they can’t see that it’s their problem. Just friends. As if. Pssh.
Bachelor starts crying again, waves his hand in front of his face and hides his head, doesn’t want to be seen anymore.


Chicago Center for Literature and Photography has a podcast up that I did with them yesterday. Check it.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Our Dog is Famous

Did a reading at Quimby's last night with Ken Foster, who is an important link in the chain that led Percy to find us, and you can read all about it in his new book.

No, Percy didn't make the cover. That's Ken's dog. I don't know what went into that decision. But in any case, check it out - Ben and I get special mention as well!

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Bunches of Readings

Hi Kids!
I've got readings all over the place in the next two weeks.

Friday, October 19, 7:00 at The Book Cellar: Come hear "Witty Women Writers" Stacey Ballis, Wendy McClure, Claire Zulkey, Jen Lancaster and me. 4736 N. Lincoln.

Saturday, October 20, 7:00 at Quimby's, 1854 W. North Ave: Ken Foster, Megan Stielstra, me, and maybe some dogs. Maybe my own dog Mr. P.

Thursday October 25, 7:30 The Fixx Coffee Bar, 3053 N Sheffield, with Roy Kesey (all the way from China!) and Jonathan Messinger.

And if you happen to have a limo, you could also go to the screening of Bubblerama at the River East AMC that same night at 6:30, details at It's only a half hour, so it could happen.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Green. Very green.

I do what little I can to go green, more and more, although unlike my husband I'm not ready to make the move from tissues to handkerchiefs. I use a lot of tissues, at times, and one hanky, well, it's just not gonna work for me.

Recently I've been using Trader Joe's pocket packs of tissues, and I didn't realize before I bought them that they were 100% recycled.

I don't know what to make of this.

My mind goes, well, it goes to a bad place. It takes the word green into a whole new dimension.

Let's not even speak about recycled toilet paper.

Friday, October 05, 2007


Dear My Students,
I know, my penmanship is terrible. I will work on that, although you should know it was the only subject in elementary school in which I got a 'poor' and it may not improve significantly now that I am long out of third grade. In the meantime, please be aware of the following: if you see a note next to a sentence that looks like it says "No!" in fact, what it most likely says is "Ha!"
I would never write something so brazenly shaming on your work.
Your Professor,
E. Crane